To Resist It Is Useless
by Freaking Cage
Summary: No one likes to be interrupted during their Alone Time. Especially when you're interrupted by a certain critical Japanese Exorcist. Yullen Week submission#3: Comfort


A/N: OMIGAD, this is the most dirtiest-est thing I have ever written. :DDD

...and it's not even that dirty....DDD:

Theme: Comfort

Translation: 'Comfort Eagle' single by Cake

Disclaimer: I unfortunately own a stack of photos of myself wearing a pair of spanky pants that say 'BONDAGE' across the ass, but not -Man.

-----

So Allen liked his Alone Time.

Everyone liked their Alone Time.

It was perfectly okay to do basically whatever during Alone Time; that was what Allen thought.

Of course, it's not okay to do whatever you like during Alone Time when you're, say...._not_ alone.

"That was just about the gayest thing I've ever seen." deadpanned a certain Japanese exorcist Allen could never see less of.

"I don't really appreciate that connotation Kanda." Allen tutted.

"_Gay_."

"Kanda--"

"Shut up _cake boy._" At that Allen stopped. He wasn't sure if he was more insulted or more surprised by the pun.

So, Allen liked his Alone Time, and during his Alone Time he would usually exercise. And well...when Allen exercised in his Alone Time...he usually liked to get himself jazzed up. This time during his Alone Time while not being quite-so-alone, Allen had decided to opt for some 'Comfort Eagle' by one of his favorite bands Cake. It should be mentioned that Allen loved this song so much he made his own dance for it, each line getting its own special move. Allen was British, so he could not dance, but he was alone, so it didn't matter. He flowed to the music and sang along--quite out of tune--and even did a special gunshot movement whenever the band would shout out, "DUDE!"

It was at this point Kanda decided to make his presence known, and scare the living bejesus out of Allen.

Allen glared at Kanda, fists tightly clenching. Allen opened his mouth to tell Kanda that what he was saying wasn't very nice when John McCrea decided he wasn't quite finished.

"_We are now accepting callers....for these beautiful...pendant keychains..."_

Allen quickly reached over and shut off the CD player, keeping his back turned to Kanda. He could feel the smile beneath Kanda's face wanting to make itself known.

"Tch. Loser." With that, Allen lost a bit of his sanity.

"Shut up BaKanda! I can do what I want in the recesses of my room! I can do a MAMBO singing 'La Cucuracha' with shakers and a fruit hat and no one should have the right to quip me for it! If I want to watch a Richard Simmons video and masturbate you still have no right to tell me how gay I am because this is _my Alone Time!_"

Silence came from the straight-faced comrade.

"You _would_ get off on Richard Simmons." Kanda snorted and folded his arms across his chest.

"_What do you want?_" Allen asked, face a brilliant shade of red, making him look almost like a Christmas ornament with his white hair.

"Tch. None of your business."

"You're in my room, Kanda," Allen said shakily, desperately trying to keep himself under control. His smile was a little off and things seemed a little splotchy-er than normal, but altogether he wasn't going on a murdering rampage, which was a good sign. "I think it is my business."

"Tch."

"You're beginning to sound like a touchy Miss America Runner-up Kanda." Allen stated angrily.

"To your Kaye Lani Rae Rafko." Kanda snorted. Again, Allen wasn't sure whether to be confused at Kanda's profound knowledge of pop culture or insulted.

He opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, much like a fish, and Kanda let out the smallest of smirks.

"Beansprout." he added, just for good measure.

"I've _had it!_" Allen shouted. "Go ahead, mock me, MOCK ME. But you wanna see gay? I'll _show_ you gay!" And with that last line, Allen did something he very much wished he hadn't done. Full of pent up rage at Kanda, he dashed forward and jumped, slamming Kanda onto his bed and just as hard slamming his lips onto the older teen's.

It was a short kiss, and hardly that due to the force, but the shock was enough that barely seconds after Allen realized what he was doing, he jumped up again and backed up against the wall.

"I didn't--I didn't--I didn't--" Allen continued to repeat these two words for about a minute, all the while Kanda's eyes as large as golf balls while he touched his fingers to his lips.

Allen shut up the moment Kanda's eyes turned to him.

Then he began his plead. "It-it just happened--! No it didn't happen! _You shouldn't have provoked me!_ But it'll never happen--because it didn't happen and Ididn'tmeantoIswear--!"

"Shut up." Kanda commanded.

Allen complied.

"This never happened?"

Allen shook his head furiously.

"We'll never speak of this again?"

Allen shook his head even harder. Kanda paused, staring death rays at Allen, who really, _really_ wanted to melt into the wall right now.

"Then neither did this." Allen opened his mouth to question when it was answered by Kanda's tongue. Allen nearly bit it in shock but managed not to as he was currently trying to figure out the exact placement of Kanda's hands, which were constantly roaming about his lower regions.

Allen felt his stomach doing flip flops as Kanda pushed his chest against his, and reluctantly sighed when he ran a hand through his hair. Kanda bit his lower lip, doing this amazing thing involving his tongue and small nibbles, and Allen was certain the only thing keeping him standing was the electricity flowing through his body like a telephone rod struck by lightning.

Not too far from the truth there, Allen.

Kanda pushed his thumb into the side of Allen's hip and he took in a sharp breath. Kanda continued his game of tonsil hockey with Allen, and Allen would never quite admit to himself he was really enjoying the taste of salty soba as Kanda explored every crevice of his mouth.

It seemed to be years after they broke apart, Allen's eyes half-lidded and Kanda breathing quite hard as he pushed himself away from him.

"Huh," he said as he wiped his mouth. "You really _are_ gay." Kanda sneered as he lifted his nose a bit higher and licked his lips.

"Later, Freddy Mercury." And with that, Kanda exited Allen's room, leaving Allen very confused and even angrier than before.

Kanda would get his.

-----

It had taken a lot of planning on Allen's part, and he wasn't even really sure it would work, but if it did, then it would work perfectly. And so Allen decided to get ballsy, and go for it.

Allen smirked as he went over the plan once more. Payback is _such_ a bitch.

-----

Kanda sat down at his usual place and broke apart his wooden chopsticks. He muttered his respect to whatever deity cared to listen and began his ritual meal of soba. His mind was fairly unoccupied, save for the pleased thoughts of the temperature of his meal, and so his mood was calm. No one felt the need to back away more than a few inches after he sat, and so long as everyone within a ten foot radius spoke in hushed voices, there was a high chance Kanda wouldn't go postal today.

That was, until Johnny arrived.

He arrived in the norm, sniffling and trembling and hands fidgeting.

"Um, K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-Kanda, I, um, I um, I-I-I-I--" Kanda waited for as long as he could before getting angry. About 5 seconds, or after the second 'um'.

"What do you _want_?"

"I-I-I, uh, I-uh..." Johnny bit his lip and looked directly into the cold eyes of the young exorcist. "I LIKE YOU TOO!"

Kanda's eyes nearly popped out of his skull at the public confession. And his mouth almost dropped when the last word registered....'too'?

Kanda opened his mouth to angrily protest when Johnny jumped him. Kanda's hair almost curled when Johnny's dry lips met his and sucked--hard. Kanda immediately threw him down and pointed his sword at his face.

"What the hell is going on?!" he asked, outraged with killing intent pouring out like a broken dam.

"Y-y-y-y-y-y--"

"ANSWER ME!"

"You don't like me?" Johnny asked, voice higher than a dog's hearing could reach. Kanda's foot pressed to his throat.

"Why the hell would I like you, retard?"

"But I thought..." Johnny's eyes began leaking an excess of salty tears and from his nose came an even larger amount of snot. "Y-You sent me that letter--"

"I didn't send you any letter!" Kanda snapped. At this Johnny burst into tears.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but wh-who would d-d-dooo that?" He asked, lower lip quivering harder than a California earthquake. "Why would someone do that to meeee?" he cried out, drowning himself in tears.

Kanda scoffed and left the pile of snot and tears alone, sheathing his sword and exiting the cafeteria.

"Gee, what happened?" he heard to his right.

"Did I just see what I thought I saw?" Lavi gaped. He turned to Linali. "Blind me. Now. Completely." Linali slapped his shoulder but bit her lip in worry.

"I hope Johnny'll be okay."

"I think he'll be fine," Allen said, nodding his head. "I think Tap's going to make his move now."

"H_uh_?" Lavi's head dropped to the table, flabbergasted. "Where do you _hear_ these things? And I'm the historian here!"

"Oh, I'm practically _building a religion_ from my gossiping habits." Allen gave a small smile to Lavi and glanced quickly to Kanda.

Kanda's hands were shaking and he could see the steam escaping from his ears. Allen gave a small giggle, and Kanda walked out of the cafeteria slowly, slightly staggering as he couldn't see straight with rage.

"I hope Kanda doesn't kill anyone." Linali said, fingers to her mouth.

"Ha! Maybe in another life sister." Lavi retorted staring after the traumatized comrade.

"Oh I don't know." Allen shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe he'll let it go this time."

"The only time Kanda will ever let go of a grudge is if _he_ turns gay."

Allen laughed harder than necessary. "Touché, Lavi." he said, wiping a tear from his eye. "Touché."

-----

Allen left the cafeteria quite pleased with himself. Cheerfully, he hummed 'Beat It' to his room and waved to everyone he saw with vigor. Miranda nearly fainted when Allen came up and hugged her from behind out of pure spontaneity and Crowley was more than confused when Allen gave him an uncharacteristic high-five.

He was acting like Lavi, some remarked.

Allen was happy because finally, _finally_ Kanda had gotten his. And there as no harm done! Tap would get his long sought after date with the rejected Johnny, Johnny crying wasn't anything new anyway, and Kanda really did get what he deserved after all. Allen shrugged his shoulders and whistled on, even going so far as to (attempt to) do the moon walk once he reached the hallway of his room.

He opened his door, did a little spin and snapped his fingers, giving a thumbs-up to his bureau when something else came into view. Allen blinked. "Hello." then he smirked, folding his arms across his chest. "Kanda." Allen continued to smile like the Wal-mart happy face as Kanda tapped his fingers on his sword, frown outright dangerous as he leaned back in Allen's chair.

"Beansprout." he grumbled.

Allen smiled innocently, shrugging his right shoulder. "You know, maybe you shouldn't have been so hard on Johnny, he really didn't mean any harm." he looked at Kanda, who's facial expression had not change one bit. "You know, maybe it would even be so bad, a date with Johnny--after all you _do_ like the short types don't you baKa--" Allen was cut off when Kanda rushed forward and threw him on the ground, Allen put up his fists, prepared for a fight when Kanda landed on him horizontally. The lip-nibbling began again, and Allen didn't even know where to begin. In fact, he was so startled it took him almost a minute to figure out his body was already responding, and his hand was now currently threading through Kanda's inky black hair.

"K-Kanda--what--?"

"Gay _moron_." Kanda said, hardly out of breath though Allen felt as though he'd just run a marathon. His thoughts were spinning as Kanda looked down on him with a sexy hot-and-bothered gaze, and Allen wondered why he'd never really paid closer attention to Kanda's dark eyes. Kanda grabbed a fistful of Allen's shirt and hoisted him up, boring into Allen's eyes with an intensity Allen only saw when Kanda was fighting. But the way Kanda was wrapping his arms around his back and biting his ear hardly felt like Kanda was fighting. Allen gave a small chuckle and slowly ran his nails across Kanda's back. "Stupid beansprout." Kanda muttered as he began to softly suck Allen's collarbone.

"When did this star--?" Allen's question was interrupted when Kanda squeezed a very sensitive part of Allen's thigh. He shut his mouth, making a small popping noise.

They resumed their new activities, and after about five minutes Kanda threw him back down on the floor and glared at him.

"Shut up with the moaning you whore." he quipped. "You're making too much noise."

"That's not a nice thing to say to someone you want something from." Allen lectured.

"Just shut the hell up." Kanda ordered, following Allen's direction and coming down to meet him.

After a moment, Allen stopped kissing him. "I have an idea." he kicked his dresser and the CD player turned on, and Allen smiled as 'Get Down, Make Love' began playing loud and clear. Kanda rolled his eyes and growled.

"You are so gay."

"Don't refer to yourself in third person Kanda." Allen teased, and it earned him a small punch in the stomach. "And don't flatter yourself--you're not gay." Allen said, making his best effort not to pant like a Valley girl standing in front of a Louis Vuitton sale. "It's perfectly natural for you to like guys, you being a girl and all."

"Say it again." Kanda dug his fingernails into Allen's neck and he coughed.

"I don't feel the need to repeat myself, _missy_."

"You know that's not a nice thing to say to someone you want something from." Kanda grumbled dangerously.

"That's good advice." Allen smiled. Kanda's eye ticked irritably before he crushed his ribs against Allen's again, half out of passion and half out of spite. Allen continued to smile as Kanda got downright lustful and leaned his head back, sighing.

He had to say, if this was what all those religious folk were damning, he thought they were quite foolish. Hell didn't seem like such a bad trade for having Kanda--

...whoa.

-----

BETA-ED BY ICHANGEDMYPENNAME. Cause she rocks. Second end of story.

A/N: I'm thinking of writing this again as an AU--because of all the references. I always thought of Kanda as the initiator and Allen as the one to keep the actual relationship going. So really, Allen's backtalk isn't him being 'seme' it's more...dirty bedroom talk. Ya gotta motivate Kanda somehow, and getting him angry sure does some interesting things. :)

Leave a review to tell me what was good/bad. Several heads aren't necessarily attractive, but they are helpful.

Oh and the pop culture references for those who didn't know:

**John McCrea**: In case you didn't get it, the singer of the awesome band Cake. They also did the songs, "Love you Madly", "Short Skirt, Long Jacket" among others.

**Cake Boy**: 90's slang for a girly guy or a gay guy, or someone appearing to be gay. You can find a useful reference in the movie 'Clueless' which is the best adaption of a Jane Austen movie EVER since it's got my girls in there. Valley girls, like, rock on.

**Richard Simmons**: While I'd hope you'd at least know _him_, maybe you don't. He's a jazz/aerobic exercise...er...? um, and is very VERY gay. He has a very high pitched voice, tends to shout out , "Kick it ladies!" more often than he should, and is prone to wearing sequin body suits. Nice guy though.

**Kaye Lani Rae Rafko**: Miss Michigan 1987 and Miss America 1988. She was interviewed in Micheal Moore's movie _Roger & Me_ and made a very stupid remark regarding unemployment in Michigan to the effect of, "How do I feel about it? I feel sad. I'm all for employment. I'm trying to stay neutral here though--I'm off to Miss America in two weeks!" Then she started talking about the parade. Not the brightest color in the crayon box if you get me. Bad Kanda. ;P

**California Earthquakes**: They really aren't that bad. They're more like...annoying. It's like, "I was going to _drink_ that milk ya know."

**'Beat It'**: If you don't know this song I'll have to beat YOU.

**Freddy Mercury**: Birth name Farrokh Bulsara (little known fact). It's sad that people don't worship him daily. :( Freddy is the very awesome and very gay lead singer of the amazing band Queen (the gay thing really makes me wonder about the band name now...). He is known to be the second best vocalist in rock History and has AMAZING charisma. He can lead an entire dome of people through his songs as duets. He died of AIDS at the young age of 33 in 1991 and my life will never be the same again....Love of my Life, don't leave me.....DX


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